Not Me
by Pergjithshme
Summary: Elves. Dwarves. Brothers. Chaos. Now, no more spoilers! Rating may change to T. No one who authored this fanfiction owns any licensed products/things/titles/characters/etc. mentioned in this fanfiction.
1. Chapter 1: An Unfortunate Morning

_**Author's notes: I've had this plot bunny for a while, and hey! Why not?**_

Kili felt consciousness rising, but his bed was soft, the sun was warm, there were soft sounds and sweet smells, and all he wanted to do was drown himself in the soft and sweet and warm. But his body's desire to arise overcame that notion and so Kili blearily rubbed his eyes, then blinked into the light filtering through his windows curtains. As much as some of the other dwarves might deny it, Rivendell was a beautiful place. Kili yawned then scrubbed his mouth to get rid of any drool. _Wait_. Kili frantically felt over his chin, first with one hand and then with both. _No_. He had to see how bad the damage was. Who would do this to him? Why? What would anyone gain shaving a dwarf of his beard? Did everyone get stone drunk? Was someone out for revenge? Through the haze of questions bombarding his mind Kili remembered that the room the Elves had put him and Fili in had a mirror. He struggled out of bed, in his panic entangling himself in the covers and practically falling out. He steadied himself by a hand on the side table, and either did not see or did not register that his hand was longer and slimmer than any dwarf's should be.

Kili stumbled towards the dresser, his limbs all askew. A subliminal part of his mind entered the notion that he felt like he did when he was entering his adolescence: all arms and legs and no balance anywhere. But Kili paid no notion to the nigglings of his mind, so intent was he on reaching the dresser whereupon the mirror rested.

After a few gangly panic-stricken moments (which seemed like hours to poor Kili) he reached the dresser. He looked down at his hands on the edge of the dresser, breathing heavily. For all his urgency he didn't really want to see. But a moment later he raised his head…

And shrieked.

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	2. Chapter 2: Not Exactly a Sleeping Beauty

_**Author's notes: Ehehehehehehehehe**_

Elrohir blinked sleepily, enjoying the warmth of the blankets and the person snuggled next to him too much to get out of bed. Two seconds later he shot up. Neither Elladan or Arwen had come to sleep with him after a nightmare for centuries, and animals didn't have arms. He looked at the person next to him aghast. It wasn't even an Elf, but one of their Dwarf guests. Elrohir was unsure if that made the situation better or worse. It was an absolutely terrible situation either way, and he decided to rectify it immediately.

Fili woke up to a shove and a hard landing on the Elvish floor a moment later. He struggled upright and saw Kili glaring at him. Fili had never seen that sort of expression on Kili's face before: it was a strange mixture of shock, rage, and offended sensibilities. He didn't give that much thought, however, as he was too annoyed. Fili lifted a hand to gingerly feel his head, before yelling, "What was that for?!"

Kili looked even more shocked, if that was possible. "You were in my room! In my bed! What do you _mean_ 'What was that for?'"

Fili couldn't believe this. "What do _you_ mean _your_ bed?"

"_What do I mean, my bed_?!" Kili spluttered.

"We've shared a bed since you were two!"

Kili's look turned blank. "You're insane."

Fili was starting to become confused. "What?"

"That's the only explanation. He's completely insane. The Dwarf is completely insane," Kili muttered to himself, turning away from Fili.

Fili was now very confused and more than a little worried. "The _Dwarf_? Kili, what's going on?"

Kili whirled around, running his hands through his hair with frustration. "WHO'S KILI?!" After uttering this, he froze, his hands still buried deep in his hair, and his eyes got very large.

Just then, running footsteps came to the door, which then flew open. A tall Elf came stumbling in.

_**Review, s'il vous plait?**_


	3. Chapter 3: A Long Walk

_**Author's notes: We're going to do a little time-traveling here and go back to where we last left Kili on his side of the story…**_

Kili stumbled out of Elrohir's room, in a panicked daze. He was having a hard time simply walking due to the fact that his limbs were twice as long as they used to be, and the shock did _not_ help.  
His only thought, if he could be said to have any clear thought, was to get to Fili.

He tried to orient himself towards the guest rooms, realized he had no idea where he was, and chose a direction at random, shuffling along as quickly as he could. He tucked his chin down and towards the wall, hoping that no one would stop him, or worse, talk to him.

As the minutes and corridors wiled away, a few Elves had spoke to him, what sounded like a greeting, as they passed. Sometimes Kili managed to afford a nod, but other times it really _was_ all he could do to stay upright. _Curse the Elves and their freakishly long limbs!_

After he had been walking for quite some time, another Elf spoke to him. This in itself was not out of the pattern that had established itself so far, but that fact that this Elf apparently wanted to stop Kili and carry on a conversation was out of the pattern, and honestly Kili had no idea what to do. So he let out something that was a mixture between a squeak and a whimper and bolted.

He didn't get very far before moving the freakishly long Elven limbs in a manner that would propel him forward became a little too much for poor Kili, and he tripped and fell. He never actually hit the ground, though, which was a very good thing, as he hadn't got the hang of the Elven arms well enough to properly break his fall.

The Elf which had tried to engage him in conversation caught the Dwarf-turned-Elf before Kili finished his nose-dive into the paving stones. The Elf helped Kili to a standing position. Then, holding him by the shoulders and looking worriedly at him, the Elf said something urgently in his native language.

Kili tried very hard to disappear.

He didn't actually manage to disappear, but his chosen attempt to disappear—that is, to sink into the ground—achieved results. The Elf apparently decided he was about to faint, and guided Kili over to a bench. This actually was very helpful, and once he was seated the Elf whisked away. Kili stayed seated for only long enough to get some sense of which way exactly was up, before he got up and continued to go down the corridor.

He had not gone three steps before the Elf was there, pushing him gently back onto the seat. Kili was aggravated, but the feeling dissipated when the Elf thrust a glass of water into his hand. Water.

Kili drank it gratefully, though slopping it everywhere as he hadn't quite figured out the mouth-hand-arm-waist ratio and how his mouth worked, but nonetheless was grateful. When he was done the Elf still stood in front of him, so Kili handed the glass back. "Thank you."

The Elf raised an eyebrow. "If you wished to speak in Common, all you had to do was say so," said the Elf with an amused strain painting his voice. "Are you alright?" All amusement had disappeared and was replaced with concern.

Kili floundered.

"Do you need anything?"

_I need Fili, my proper body, and this nightmare to end!_ But all Kili said was, "I need to get to the dwarves."

The Elf drew back a little, slightly shocked by both the odd request and the urgent tone it was given in, but nonetheless followed through on his implied offer. He gestured down the walkway. "They are housed nearby. Down this corridor until the end, and then a left turn should take you there." He turned back to Kili. "Are you sure you're alright?"

The fact that he was going to get to his brother soon gave Kili newfound clarity. "Yes, yes, I'm fine."

"Very well." The Elf nonetheless hovered near Kili as he stood up. "If you ever need me…"

"Uh, yes." Kili shot the Elf an uncertain smile. "Thank you." And with that, he was off.

Kili did not see the Elf look after his receding form, turn back the way he came from, and then look back again, watching Kili with narrowed eyes until he turned the corner and was out of sight. The Elf turned back around and was once again on his way.

Kili, on the other hand, was incredibly happy to be in a place that he recognized, even be it an Elvish place. He hurried to the door to his and his brother's assigned chambers and thrust it open. The very first thing his eyes fell on was his brother, sitting on the floor.

"Fili." Kili could have melted with relief. He sprang forward and threw his too-long arms around his utterly shocked brother.

_**Ooooooh who was that Elf? You'll have to wait and see! **_

…

_**That's a REALLY pretty box down there. And if you're on mobile, there's a nice button that will take you to a pretty box.**_

_**It would be pretty awful to leave such a pretty box empty, wouldn't it…**_


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